Be Your Own Editor 14

Question: How would you revise and edit the following ten-minute essay?

Answer: Below are my suggested revisions.


Original
...........Tuesday, after school, I had to take my mother to the doctors. For three weeks, pain in her back had been crippling her. After calling out of work I drove my mom to the office. The doctor ordered x-rays to be taken. He believed Prednisone, one of the many drugs my mother takes, was thinning her bones and making the bones very weak.
..........After the x-rays were taken the doctor concluded that she did indeed have a compressed fracture. Besides pain medication, which puts her in outer space, there is nothing that can be done for her. Yet again, a new bridge has been placed in her path.

Suggested Revisions
..........Tuesday, after school, I had to take my mother to the doctor's office. For three weeks, pain in her back had been crippling her. After notifying my supervisor that I would not be in for work, I drove my mom to the office. The doctor ordered x-rays to be taken. He believed Prednisone, one of the many drugs my mother takes, was thinning and weakening her bones.
..........After he studied the x-rays, the doctor concluded that my mother did indeed have a compressed fracture. Besides pain medication, which causes her to lose all connection with reality, nothing can be done for her. Yet again, a new obstruction has been placed in her path to recovery.

Do you agree with my changes?

All the best. RayS.