Question: How would you revised the following ten-minute essay?
Answer: Compare my revision with yours? Do we agree?
……….With the 1992 Olympics drawing near, the United States is preparing for the gold medal. Take basketball for example, the United States has not won a gold medal in several years. This has the top ranking basketball officials quite upset.
……….With the 1992 Olympics drawing near, the United States is preparing for gold medals. In basketball, for example, the United States has not won a gold medal in several years, which has the top-ranking basketball officials quite upset.
Comments: “Take basketball….” Smoother expression: “In basketball, for example….” Commas around an “interrupter,” “basketball, for example,…” Combined the last two sentences. Watch out for the demonstrative pronouns, “this,” “that,” “these” and “those.” Try to make their antecedents (the words to which they refer) clear. “Top ranking basketball officials” becomes “top-ranking basketball officials,” a hyphenated, combined adjective. “Nit-picky?” Maybe. I think my changes avoid distractions for those who know and about whom you probably care.
All the best. Ray S.