Be Your Own Editor 12.

Question: How would you revise and edit the following ten-minute essay?

Answer: My suggested revisions follow. Do you agree?

Original
..........Growing up, children are often asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" From an early age, teachers parents, coaches try to guide children on the "right" path to success, to look to the future.
..........Fireman, police, nurses, pilots and teachers are a few of the responses one can expect to hear. Somewhere along the way of success comes deterants. Whether it be drugs, cars, quick money, or just status among friend, pressure is all around

Suggested Revisions
..........Adults often ask children, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" From an early age, teachers, parents, and coaches try to guide children in the "right" path to success, to look forward to future vocations. One can expect children to respond with “firefighter,” “police officer,” “nurse,” “pilot” and “teacher” among favorite careers.
..........However, on the way to achieving their goals, people encounter deterrents. Whether the pressures include drugs, cars, quick money, or just status among friends, they trade long-term success for short-term gratification.

Comments: Put the first sentence into the active voice. Varied some repeated words. Tried to clarify meaning of several statements. Examples of careers should be entirely in the singular or plural. I chose the singular. Quotation marks for children’s quoted responses. Combined the last two sentences and clarified the meaning of “it.” The idea in the last paragraph is interesting.