Be Your Own Editor 08

Question: How would you revise and edit the following ten-minute essay? Words in bold face are problems.

Answer: Below are my suggested revisions.

Original
.......... Consumers looking to purchase a new vehicle today, may opt to lease.
..........Leasing has gained popularity over the past ten years, and automobile analysts say it's popularity continues to grow.
.......... One major advantage to leasing is that the leasee can drive more car for less money. Another advantage is that only a small deposit is required, which is refunded at the end of the lease.
..........Leasing is another word for "renting" the vehicle. At the end of your lease, you may opt to purchase the vehicle at it's residual value or you can turn the vehicle back into the dealer or leasing company.

Suggested Revisions
……….Consumers wishing to purchase a new vehicle today may choose to lease, an alternative to purchasing that has become popular over the past ten years, and, automobile analysts say, continues to grow in popularity.
……….One major advantage of leasing is that the lessee can drive the latest model cars for less money than would be needed to purchase. Another advantage is that the required small deposit is refunded at the end of the lease.
……….Leasing is another word for “renting” a vehicle. At the end of the lease, the consumer may purchase the vehicle based on mileage driven or can return the vehicle to the dealer or leasing company.

Comments: The first problems I had with this essay were phrases that sounded good, but did not clearly express what the writer or speaker meant in plain English. What do “more car for the money” and “residual value” actually mean? In my suggested revisions I tried to express the meanings explicitly. I also defined leasing by explaining that it was an alternative to buying. I combined the first two sentences, changed “leasee” to “lessee” and substituted the possessive “its” for the contraction “it’s.” Remember, the possessive pronouns, “his,” “hers,” “theirs” “yours” and “its,” do not take apostrophes. Finally, I made the point of view consistent. In general, I attempted to make the expression more formal. “Opt” has become an overused substitute for the standard “choose.”

All the best. RayS.