Question: How would you revise and edit the following ten-minute essay?
Answer: My suggested revisions follow the original essay.
Original
..........Last night a story in the news caught my attention. The story was drug-related, which in itself is not remarkable considering all of the drug bust as of late. What was so sad about this particular story it involved a three-year old girl. Apparently she was acting as a go-between for her drug selling mother. The child would get the drugs from her mother give them to the buyer and then take the received money and return it to her mother. What I can't understand is what is going on with our society today. Children are our future, and yet adults have this attitude live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Everything....
Suggested Revisions
..........Last night a story in the news caught my attention. The story was drug-related, which is not remarkable, considering all of the recent drug arrests. This particular story was sad because a three-year old girl apparently acted as a go-between for her drug-selling mother. The child would take the drugs from her mother, give them to the buyer and then return the money to her mother.
..........I cannot understand what is going on with our society today. Children are our future, and yet adults have the attitude, "Live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself." Every problem (?)....
Next: Tomorrow will be the last opportunity to revise and edit actual ten-minute essays.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Be Your Own Editor 15
Question: How would you revise and edit the following ten-minute essay?
Answer: I will provide my suggested revisions tomorrow.
Original
..........Last night a story in the news caught my attention. The story was drug-related, which in itself is not remarkable considering all of the drug bust as of late. What was so sad about this particular story it involved a three-year old girl. Apparently she was acting as a go-between for her drug selling mother. The child would get the drugs from her mother give them to the buyer and then take the received money and return it to her mother. What I can't understand is what is going on with our society today. Children are our future, and yet adults have this attitude live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Everything....
Answer: I will provide my suggested revisions tomorrow.
Original
..........Last night a story in the news caught my attention. The story was drug-related, which in itself is not remarkable considering all of the drug bust as of late. What was so sad about this particular story it involved a three-year old girl. Apparently she was acting as a go-between for her drug selling mother. The child would get the drugs from her mother give them to the buyer and then take the received money and return it to her mother. What I can't understand is what is going on with our society today. Children are our future, and yet adults have this attitude live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Everything....
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Be Your Own Editor 14
Question: How would you revise and edit the following ten-minute essay?
Answer: Below are my suggested revisions.
Original
...........Tuesday, after school, I had to take my mother to the doctors. For three weeks, pain in her back had been crippling her. After calling out of work I drove my mom to the office. The doctor ordered x-rays to be taken. He believed Prednisone, one of the many drugs my mother takes, was thinning her bones and making the bones very weak.
..........After the x-rays were taken the doctor concluded that she did indeed have a compressed fracture. Besides pain medication, which puts her in outer space, there is nothing that can be done for her. Yet again, a new bridge has been placed in her path.
Suggested Revisions
..........Tuesday, after school, I had to take my mother to the doctor's office. For three weeks, pain in her back had been crippling her. After notifying my supervisor that I would not be in for work, I drove my mom to the office. The doctor ordered x-rays to be taken. He believed Prednisone, one of the many drugs my mother takes, was thinning and weakening her bones.
..........After he studied the x-rays, the doctor concluded that my mother did indeed have a compressed fracture. Besides pain medication, which causes her to lose all connection with reality, nothing can be done for her. Yet again, a new obstruction has been placed in her path to recovery.
Do you agree with my changes?
All the best. RayS.
Answer: Below are my suggested revisions.
Original
...........Tuesday, after school, I had to take my mother to the doctors. For three weeks, pain in her back had been crippling her. After calling out of work I drove my mom to the office. The doctor ordered x-rays to be taken. He believed Prednisone, one of the many drugs my mother takes, was thinning her bones and making the bones very weak.
..........After the x-rays were taken the doctor concluded that she did indeed have a compressed fracture. Besides pain medication, which puts her in outer space, there is nothing that can be done for her. Yet again, a new bridge has been placed in her path.
Suggested Revisions
..........Tuesday, after school, I had to take my mother to the doctor's office. For three weeks, pain in her back had been crippling her. After notifying my supervisor that I would not be in for work, I drove my mom to the office. The doctor ordered x-rays to be taken. He believed Prednisone, one of the many drugs my mother takes, was thinning and weakening her bones.
..........After he studied the x-rays, the doctor concluded that my mother did indeed have a compressed fracture. Besides pain medication, which causes her to lose all connection with reality, nothing can be done for her. Yet again, a new obstruction has been placed in her path to recovery.
Do you agree with my changes?
All the best. RayS.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Be Your Own Editor 13
Question: How would you revise and edit the following ten-minute essay?
Answer: My suggested revisions will be published in tomorrow's blog.
Original
...........Tuesday, after school, I had to take my mother to the doctors. For three weeks, pain in her back had been crippling her. After calling out of work I drove my mom to the office. The doctor ordered x-rays to be taken. He believed Prednisone, one of the many drugs my mother takes, was thinning her bones and making the bones very weak.
..........After the x-rays were taken the doctor concluded that she did indeed have a compressed fracture. Besides pain medication, which puts her in outer space, there is nothing that can be done for her. Yet again, a new bridge has been placed in her path.
Answer: My suggested revisions will be published in tomorrow's blog.
Original
...........Tuesday, after school, I had to take my mother to the doctors. For three weeks, pain in her back had been crippling her. After calling out of work I drove my mom to the office. The doctor ordered x-rays to be taken. He believed Prednisone, one of the many drugs my mother takes, was thinning her bones and making the bones very weak.
..........After the x-rays were taken the doctor concluded that she did indeed have a compressed fracture. Besides pain medication, which puts her in outer space, there is nothing that can be done for her. Yet again, a new bridge has been placed in her path.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Be Your Own Editor 12.
Question: How would you revise and edit the following ten-minute essay?
Answer: My suggested revisions follow. Do you agree?
Original
..........Growing up, children are often asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" From an early age, teachers parents, coaches try to guide children on the "right" path to success, to look to the future.
..........Fireman, police, nurses, pilots and teachers are a few of the responses one can expect to hear. Somewhere along the way of success comes deterants. Whether it be drugs, cars, quick money, or just status among friend, pressure is all around
Suggested Revisions
..........Adults often ask children, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" From an early age, teachers, parents, and coaches try to guide children in the "right" path to success, to look forward to future vocations. One can expect children to respond with “firefighter,” “police officer,” “nurse,” “pilot” and “teacher” among favorite careers.
..........However, on the way to achieving their goals, people encounter deterrents. Whether the pressures include drugs, cars, quick money, or just status among friends, they trade long-term success for short-term gratification.
Comments: Put the first sentence into the active voice. Varied some repeated words. Tried to clarify meaning of several statements. Examples of careers should be entirely in the singular or plural. I chose the singular. Quotation marks for children’s quoted responses. Combined the last two sentences and clarified the meaning of “it.” The idea in the last paragraph is interesting.
Answer: My suggested revisions follow. Do you agree?
Original
..........Growing up, children are often asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" From an early age, teachers parents, coaches try to guide children on the "right" path to success, to look to the future.
..........Fireman, police, nurses, pilots and teachers are a few of the responses one can expect to hear. Somewhere along the way of success comes deterants. Whether it be drugs, cars, quick money, or just status among friend, pressure is all around
Suggested Revisions
..........Adults often ask children, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" From an early age, teachers, parents, and coaches try to guide children in the "right" path to success, to look forward to future vocations. One can expect children to respond with “firefighter,” “police officer,” “nurse,” “pilot” and “teacher” among favorite careers.
..........However, on the way to achieving their goals, people encounter deterrents. Whether the pressures include drugs, cars, quick money, or just status among friends, they trade long-term success for short-term gratification.
Comments: Put the first sentence into the active voice. Varied some repeated words. Tried to clarify meaning of several statements. Examples of careers should be entirely in the singular or plural. I chose the singular. Quotation marks for children’s quoted responses. Combined the last two sentences and clarified the meaning of “it.” The idea in the last paragraph is interesting.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Be Your Own Editor 11
Question: How would you revise and edit the following ten-minute essay?
Answer: My suggested revisions will appear in tomorrow's blog.
Original
..........Growing up, children are often asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" From an early age, teachers parents, coaches try to guide children on the "right" path to success, to look to the future.
...........Fireman, police, nurses, pilots and teachers are a few of the responses one can expect to hear. Somewhere along the way of success comes deterants. Whether it be drugs, cars, quick money, or just status among friends, pressure is all around
All the best. RayS.
Answer: My suggested revisions will appear in tomorrow's blog.
Original
..........Growing up, children are often asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" From an early age, teachers parents, coaches try to guide children on the "right" path to success, to look to the future.
...........Fireman, police, nurses, pilots and teachers are a few of the responses one can expect to hear. Somewhere along the way of success comes deterants. Whether it be drugs, cars, quick money, or just status among friends, pressure is all around
All the best. RayS.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Be Your Own Editor 10
Question: How would you revised the following ten-minute essay?
Answer: Compare my revision with yours? Do we agree?
Original
……….With the 1992 Olympics drawing near, the United States is preparing for the gold medal. Take basketball for example, the United States has not won a gold medal in several years. This has the top ranking basketball officials quite upset.
Suggested Revisions
……….With the 1992 Olympics drawing near, the United States is preparing for gold medals. In basketball, for example, the United States has not won a gold medal in several years, which has the top-ranking basketball officials quite upset.
Comments: “Take basketball….” Smoother expression: “In basketball, for example….” Commas around an “interrupter,” “basketball, for example,…” Combined the last two sentences. Watch out for the demonstrative pronouns, “this,” “that,” “these” and “those.” Try to make their antecedents (the words to which they refer) clear. “Top ranking basketball officials” becomes “top-ranking basketball officials,” a hyphenated, combined adjective. “Nit-picky?” Maybe. I think my changes avoid distractions for those who know and about whom you probably care.
All the best. Ray S.
Answer: Compare my revision with yours? Do we agree?
Original
……….With the 1992 Olympics drawing near, the United States is preparing for the gold medal. Take basketball for example, the United States has not won a gold medal in several years. This has the top ranking basketball officials quite upset.
Suggested Revisions
……….With the 1992 Olympics drawing near, the United States is preparing for gold medals. In basketball, for example, the United States has not won a gold medal in several years, which has the top-ranking basketball officials quite upset.
Comments: “Take basketball….” Smoother expression: “In basketball, for example….” Commas around an “interrupter,” “basketball, for example,…” Combined the last two sentences. Watch out for the demonstrative pronouns, “this,” “that,” “these” and “those.” Try to make their antecedents (the words to which they refer) clear. “Top ranking basketball officials” becomes “top-ranking basketball officials,” a hyphenated, combined adjective. “Nit-picky?” Maybe. I think my changes avoid distractions for those who know and about whom you probably care.
All the best. Ray S.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Be Your Own Editor 09
Question: How would you revise the following ten-minute essay?
Answer: Compare your revisions with mine in tomorrow's blog. This exercise is not Sudoku, but it does sharpen your ability to express your ideas more smoothly and accurately.
Original
..........With the 1992 Olympics drawing near, the United States is preparing for the gold medal. Take basketball for example, the United States has not won a gold medal in several years. This has the top ranking basketball officials quite upset.
All the best. Ray S.
Answer: Compare your revisions with mine in tomorrow's blog. This exercise is not Sudoku, but it does sharpen your ability to express your ideas more smoothly and accurately.
Original
..........With the 1992 Olympics drawing near, the United States is preparing for the gold medal. Take basketball for example, the United States has not won a gold medal in several years. This has the top ranking basketball officials quite upset.
All the best. Ray S.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Be Your Own Editor 08
Question: How would you revise and edit the following ten-minute essay? Words in bold face are problems.
Answer: Below are my suggested revisions.
Original
.......... Consumers looking to purchase a new vehicle today, may opt to lease.
..........Leasing has gained popularity over the past ten years, and automobile analysts say it's popularity continues to grow.
.......... One major advantage to leasing is that the leasee can drive more car for less money. Another advantage is that only a small deposit is required, which is refunded at the end of the lease.
..........Leasing is another word for "renting" the vehicle. At the end of your lease, you may opt to purchase the vehicle at it's residual value or you can turn the vehicle back into the dealer or leasing company.
Suggested Revisions
……….Consumers wishing to purchase a new vehicle today may choose to lease, an alternative to purchasing that has become popular over the past ten years, and, automobile analysts say, continues to grow in popularity.
……….One major advantage of leasing is that the lessee can drive the latest model cars for less money than would be needed to purchase. Another advantage is that the required small deposit is refunded at the end of the lease.
……….Leasing is another word for “renting” a vehicle. At the end of the lease, the consumer may purchase the vehicle based on mileage driven or can return the vehicle to the dealer or leasing company.
Comments: The first problems I had with this essay were phrases that sounded good, but did not clearly express what the writer or speaker meant in plain English. What do “more car for the money” and “residual value” actually mean? In my suggested revisions I tried to express the meanings explicitly. I also defined leasing by explaining that it was an alternative to buying. I combined the first two sentences, changed “leasee” to “lessee” and substituted the possessive “its” for the contraction “it’s.” Remember, the possessive pronouns, “his,” “hers,” “theirs” “yours” and “its,” do not take apostrophes. Finally, I made the point of view consistent. In general, I attempted to make the expression more formal. “Opt” has become an overused substitute for the standard “choose.”
All the best. RayS.
Answer: Below are my suggested revisions.
Original
.......... Consumers looking to purchase a new vehicle today, may opt to lease.
..........Leasing has gained popularity over the past ten years, and automobile analysts say it's popularity continues to grow.
.......... One major advantage to leasing is that the leasee can drive more car for less money. Another advantage is that only a small deposit is required, which is refunded at the end of the lease.
..........Leasing is another word for "renting" the vehicle. At the end of your lease, you may opt to purchase the vehicle at it's residual value or you can turn the vehicle back into the dealer or leasing company.
Suggested Revisions
……….Consumers wishing to purchase a new vehicle today may choose to lease, an alternative to purchasing that has become popular over the past ten years, and, automobile analysts say, continues to grow in popularity.
……….One major advantage of leasing is that the lessee can drive the latest model cars for less money than would be needed to purchase. Another advantage is that the required small deposit is refunded at the end of the lease.
……….Leasing is another word for “renting” a vehicle. At the end of the lease, the consumer may purchase the vehicle based on mileage driven or can return the vehicle to the dealer or leasing company.
Comments: The first problems I had with this essay were phrases that sounded good, but did not clearly express what the writer or speaker meant in plain English. What do “more car for the money” and “residual value” actually mean? In my suggested revisions I tried to express the meanings explicitly. I also defined leasing by explaining that it was an alternative to buying. I combined the first two sentences, changed “leasee” to “lessee” and substituted the possessive “its” for the contraction “it’s.” Remember, the possessive pronouns, “his,” “hers,” “theirs” “yours” and “its,” do not take apostrophes. Finally, I made the point of view consistent. In general, I attempted to make the expression more formal. “Opt” has become an overused substitute for the standard “choose.”
All the best. RayS.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Be Your Own Editor 07
Question: How would you revise the following ten-minute essay?
Answer: Check tomorrow's blog to see my recommended changes.
Note: Items in bold face are clues to some changes I would make.
Original
..........Consumers looking to purchase a new vehicle today, may opt to lease.
..........Leasing has gained popularity over the past ten years, and automobile analysts say it's popularity continues to grow.
..........One major advantage to leasing is that the leasee can drive more car for less money. Another advantage is that only a small deposit is required, which is refunded at the end of the lease.
..........Leasing is another word for "renting" the vehicle. At the end of your lease, you may opt to purchase the vehicle at it's residual value or you can turn the vehicle back into the dealer or leasing company.
Answer: Check tomorrow's blog to see my recommended changes.
Note: Items in bold face are clues to some changes I would make.
Original
..........Consumers looking to purchase a new vehicle today, may opt to lease.
..........Leasing has gained popularity over the past ten years, and automobile analysts say it's popularity continues to grow.
..........One major advantage to leasing is that the leasee can drive more car for less money. Another advantage is that only a small deposit is required, which is refunded at the end of the lease.
..........Leasing is another word for "renting" the vehicle. At the end of your lease, you may opt to purchase the vehicle at it's residual value or you can turn the vehicle back into the dealer or leasing company.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Table of Contents for Q & A Writing by Raymond Stopper
Table of Contents for Q & A Writing
Raymond Stopper
Directions: On the right of the most recent blog, go down to the month in which the blog was published and click on it. The month’s blogs will be listed. Then go down to the date on which the blog was published and click on it. The blog will appear. If you are interested in commenting on the contents of the blog, you will have to register with Google. The owners of the blogging software will not accept anonymous comments.
5/18/07: Introduction
5/19/07: “-sede,” “-ceed,” “-cede”
5/19/07: Capitalizing Family Names
5/20/07: Writer’s Block
5/21/07: Non-sexist writing
5/22/07: Essential Punctuation (1)
5/23/07: Essential Punctuation (2)
5/24/07: Essential Punctuation (3)
5/25/07: Writers on Writing (1)
5/27/07: Writers on Writing (2)
5/28/07: Writers on Writing (3)
5/29/07: Writers on Writing (4)
5/30/07: Writers on Writing (5)
5/31/07: Writers on Writing (6)
6/1/07: Review: 20 Ideas from Writers on Writing
6/2/07: How Can I Get Rid of Those @#$%^&* Typos?
6/ 3/07: Vocabulary/Word choice in Writing
6/4/07: “Speakwrite”
6/5/07: Write Around It!
6/6/07: More Writers on Writing
6/7/07: Should I Let People Review My Work?
6/8/07: Some Thoughts on Spelling
6/9/07: Some Predictable Misspellings
6/10/07: Visualizing Spelling
6/11/07: Brainstorming
6/12/07: Brainstorming. What’s Next?
6/13/07: Time Out! Review.
6/14/07: Formats
6/15/07: “I Should Have Went to Practice.”
6/16/07: Exposition and Narrative
6/17/07: The Writing Process: Why and How?
6/18/07: 1. Model of an Expository Composition
6/19/07: 2. Brainstorming. 3. Main Idea or Thesis Sentence….
6/20/07: Writing Process for Exposition: 4. Draft
6/21/07: Writing Process for Exposition: 5. Revising and Editing
6/23/07: Essay Exams
6/24/07: Usage: Words Often Confused. A.
6/24/07: Usage: Words Often Confused. B. C.
6/25/07: Usage: Words Often Confused. D. E.
6/26/07: Usage: Words Often Confused. F. G. H.
6/27/07: Words Often Confused. I. J. L.
6/28/07: Words Often Confused. M. N.
6/29/07: Words Often Confused. P. Q.
7/2/07: Usage: Words Often Confused. S.
7/3/07: Usage: Words Often Confused. T.
7/4/07: Usage: Words Often Confused. U. W.
7/6/07: Sentence Combining 01
7/10/07: Sentence Combining 02.
7/11/07: Sentence Combining 03.
7/12/07: Sentence Combining 04.
7/13/07: Sentence Combining 05.
7/15/07: Informal and Formal Writing
7/16/07: Informal and Formal Writing 02
7/17/07: Informal and Formal Writing 03
7/18/07: Informal and Formal Writing 04
7/20/07: Informal and Formal Writing 05
7/21/07: “Yo!”
7/24/07: Predictable Problems in Sentence structure 01
7/25/07: Predictable Problems in Sentence Structure 02. Run-ons
7/26/07: Predictable Problems in Sentence Structure 03. Sentence Fragments
7/30/07: Predictable Problem in Sentence Structure 04. Active and Passive Voice
7/31/07: Predictable Problems in Sentence Structure 05. Dangling Modifiers
8/1/07: Predictable Problems in Sentence Structure 06. Misplaced Modifiers
8/2/07: Predictable Problems in Sentence Structure 07. Parallel Structure
8/3/07: Predictable Problems in Sentence Structure 08. Summary
8/5/07: 10 Minutes a Day
8/7/05: Ten-Minute Essays 02: Some Possible Topics
8/8/07: Ten-Minute Essays. Possible Topics 03
8/9/07: Ten-Minute Essays. Possible Topics 04
8/10/07: Ten-Minute Essays. Possible Topics 05
8/13/07: Ten-Minute Essays. Possible Topics 06
8/14/07: Ten-Minute Essays. Possible Topics 07
8/15/07: 10-Minute Essays Examples 01
8/16/07: 10-Minute Essays Examples 02
8/17/07: 10-Minute Essays Examples 03
8/20/07: 10-Minute Essays Examples 04
8/21/07: 10-Minute Essays Examples 05
8/22/07: Be Your Own Editor 01
8/23/07: Be Your Own Editor 02
8/27/07: Be Your Own Editor 03
8/28/07: Be Your Own Editor 04
8/29/07: Be Your Own Editor 05
8/30/07: Be Your Own Editor 06
8/31/07: Table of Contents
9/4/07: Table of Contents
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