10-Minute Essay Examples 04

The purpose of writing 10-minute essays 5 days a week for 3 weeks is to let me, RayS., help you identify the problems in sentence structure, usage, punctuation and style in your own writing. Exercises and examples help you to recognize problems but they seldom transfer to your own writing.

Question: Could you give some examples of what you mean by ten-minute essays?

Answer: For the next several weeks, I will give you some examples of ten-minute essays that I have corrected in the past. Try correcting them yourself and then read my corrections. At any time, feel free to write your own 10-minute essay and send to RayS. at raystop2@comcast.net.

The words in bold face indicate some of the changes that I will make in the original and have made in my suggested revisions.

Overview of suggested revisions. This 10-minute essay is heartbreaking. The writer’s treatment of her topic is powerful. I almost do not want to criticize the expression. However, improving the expression of ideas is why I am writing this blog. Stylistically, the first and last sentences are quite good, with one small exception. I tried to reduce the needlessly repeated words, to make the expression more concise.

Original
..........Child abuse, I believe, is one of America's most henias crimes. A news report came on television telling of a little girl's plight with child abuse. She had been beaten and chained numerous times inside a small closet for over five years. The investigation is still going on although two people have been arrested. The girl's mother and the mother's boyfriend have been arrested.
….......The grandmother had an inclination as to what was happening, the sad part of the story is the grandmother did not report the abuse to authorities. The child's grandmother told a friend what was happening and the friend told the police. If not for an outsider, who knows how long that little girl would have to suffer.

Suggested Revisions
..........Child abuse, I believe, is one of America's most heinous crimes. A news report on television told of a little girl's plight. She had been beaten and chained numerous times inside a small closet for over five years. Although the investigation is still going on, two people have been arrested--the girl's mother and the mother's boyfriend.
….......The grandmother suspected what was happening, but the sad part of the story is that she did not report the abuse to authorities. Instead, she told a friend what was happening and the friend told police. If not for an outsider, who knows how long that little girl would have had to suffer?

Note: Again, although I am not able to use redlining in this blog, remember that I will use it with word processing to help you track my revisions. If you have any questions about the changes I have made, please be sure to ask me for explanation.

All the best. RayS.