10-Minute Essay Examples 03

What is the purpose of writing ten-minute essays? The purpose of your writing 10-minute essays 5 days a week for 3 weeks is to let me, RayS., help you identify the problems in sentence structure, usage, punctuation and style in your own writing. Exercises and examples help you to recognize problems but they seldom transfer to your own writing.

Question: Could you give some examples of what you mean by ten-minute essays?

Answer: For the next several weeks, I will give you some examples of ten-minute essays that I have corrected in the past. Try correcting them yourself and then read my corrections. At any time, feel free to write your own 10-minute essay and send to RayS. at raystop2@comcast.net.

The words in bold face indicate some of the changes that I will make in the original and have made in my suggested revisions.

Overview of changes: The most obvious need for change in this 10-minute essay was to transform one long paragraph into several short paragraphs for easier readability. I also corrected several examples of the passive voice, combined sentences, tried to add variety to sentence structure and eliminated needlessly repeated words.

Original
I have been employed in Law Enforcement for the last nine years. During those nine years I have encountered many interesting experiences. One particular experience still sticks in my mind today. I was working the midnight shift one night back in October of 19... I was employed by ….. Twp police at the time. At about 3:30 am I had received a call of a fire at the ….. Apts. within our jurisdiction. Upon my arrival, I had encountered heavy smoke conditions in the basement. of A-Building. At this time, several tenants were aroused and began evacuating the building. My partner and I had learned that a woman was trapped inside a basement apartment. We tried to enter the basement, however our attempt was futile due to a locked security door. At this time, the fire apparatus started to arrive. I then went outside and grabbed a pry-bar off the fire truck. My partner and I then pryed open the security door. We then began a search of the basement and found a woman over come by smoke at the entrance to her apartment. The woman was then removed from the building and transported to the hospital.
..........My partner and I both received Department Valor awards.

Suggested Revisions
..........During my nine years in law enforcement, I have encountered many interesting experiences. One particular experience I still recall vividly. I was working the midnight shift one night in October of 19... for the …. Township police. At about 3:30 A.M., I received the report of a fire at the ….. Apartments, within our jurisdiction. Upon my arrival, I encountered heavy smoke conditions in the basement of A-Building.
..........Right away, my partner and I aroused several tenants who began evacuating the building, but we learned that a woman was trapped inside a basement apartment. We tried to enter the basement; however, our attempt was futile because of a locked security door.
..........When the fire apparatus arrived, I went outside and seized a pry-bar from the fire truck, and my partner and I pried open the security door. We then began to search the basement and found a woman overcome by smoke at the entrance to her apartment. Medical personnel removed the woman from the building and transported her to the hospital.
..........My partner and I both received Department Valor awards.

Note: Again, although I am not able to use redlining in this blog, remember that I will use it with word processing to help you track my revisions. If you have any questions about the changes I have made, please be sure to ask me for explanation.

All the best. RayS.